Ben could finally focus. It was like the whole ring and all the risks and all the information they needed was laid out in front of his eyes. He could see ways around every risk, he could see how to get what they wanted, he could see Andre’s plays ten steps ahead of him and plan around them. It was too important to leave or and he didn’t need to. 

He felt like he was in the middle of a battle, his blood pumping and his mind moving to actually make sense of everything around him. He wasn’t hungry, he wasn’t thirsty, time passed and he didn’t notice or care. He could finally think. 

“Oi, Tallboy, dinner time,” Caleb said, grabbing Ben’s shoulder. 

Ben shrugged him off. “I’m fine. You can have it.” 

Caleb was quiet for a second. “Funny thing is I already had dinner. That’s the thing about dinner. We all eat it.”

“I’m not hungry,” Ben snapped, frowning at his work as Caleb continued to bug him. Caleb didn’t understand. Caleb couldn’t see all the lines and connections and plans. Caleb wasn’t like him, it had to be Ben. No one else understood. 

“Ben, I’m serious, take a break and eat.” 

“I’m serious, I’m not hungry.” 

“I didn’t ask if you were hungry. I told you to eat,” Caleb snapped, leveraging the fact that he was standing and Ben was still sitting to turn him. 

Something flared bright red and hot inside him and it must have shown because Caleb snapped back. He didn’t look afraid, per se, more unsettled. One part of Ben wondered why. Another was satisfied. “Why?” 

“You’ve barely eaten in days. You look like shite. Just take a break and eat the fuckin’ food,” Caleb begged. There was no sincerity in his face or tone though. Ben could tell he was lying. 

A thought occurred to him. Bright and clear and as plain as day. He felt stupid for not having noticed it before. “Why do you want us to fail? When did they get to you?” 

Caleb looked like he’d been slapped. “You think the redcoats got to me and that’s why I want you to eat?” 

“Why else would you want me to stop?” 

Caleb just stared at him for a long second, shaking his head. “Fine. Do whatever you want. Run yourself into the goddamn ground see if I fucking care,” Caleb said, turning and leaving the tent. 

Ben had expected more denials and it made him curious as to what plan Caleb had; what plan the English had. He decided he’d let it play out a few more days, maybe he’d be able to spot the weakness that they’d used to get to Caleb in the first place. He didn’t think Caleb had ever been detained on a ride, but he must have been wrong. Ben would have to be more careful about monitoring the length of time the trips took with his new courier. 

***

The bugle played and Ben nearly cried. He might have if he’d had the energy. Instead, he took a second to steel himself as he stared up at the tent ceiling. He was exhausted down to his very bones. Still, he forced himself to sit up and get dressed and comb his hair and tie it back in a braid. 

He was hungry. And thirsty. But getting food meant going outside his tent, and if he did that someone might speak to him, ask him a question and his brain was just far too foggy to even begin to deal with that. Instead, he sat and looked at the list of things he needed to finish that day, the list he’d written the night before when he’d been too tired to keep his eyes open anymore. 

“Good morning,” Caleb’s chipper voice came a second before Caleb opened the flaps of the tent and let himself in. 

Ben forced a smile on his face, though it felt like it should have been genuine. Seeing Caleb first thing in the morning was nice and he’d missed in the past few days while Caleb had been off to Setauket. That was another thing he had to do, he had to read Abe’s letter. He hadn’t even had the energy to open in the night before when Caleb had brought it in. 

Caleb didn’t seem phased by the fake smile that Ben was sure he could see through. Caleb always could see straight through him, but Ben always tried to lie anyway. He owed Caleb something more genuine but he never could manage it. Lie after lie came and he wasn’t able to stop it. Caleb was a better friend than he deserved. 

“Brought you breakfast,” he said, setting the plate on the corner of the desk, careful not to set it on any of the letters scattered across the desk. Caleb was always so careful. Ben loved him so much. 

“Thank you,” Ben said, grabbing the bread first. 

“What’s on the docket?” Caleb asked, stepping up behind Ben and digging his fingers into Ben’s shoulders. 

“Don’t you have your own responsibilities?” 

“What part of special detail don’t you understand? You are my responsibility, not much else. So, what do you need me to do today?” 

Ben shook his head and felt a small, genuine smile make its way to his face. “That’s not what that means.” 

“Think it does.” Caleb pressed his thumbs up the column of Ben’s neck on either side of his spine. It felt so good Ben didn’t have it in him to argue anymore. 

He looked at his list, the first three things were that he needed to give orders to his men to go scouting, five men in three directions. He felt a surge of guilt at even considering asking Caleb to take care of this for him. Though he’d done it before, he let Caleb give orders and the men accepted them from Caleb as if they’d come out of Ben’s mouth, but still, it was his responsibility. 

He picked up the list and tore off the top. “Will you send out the men scouting? I wrote down where they need to go and which groups.” Caleb plucked the list out of his hand with a happy little hum. 

“That I can do. I’ll even find them some dappled gray horses to take out,” Caleb said, patting Ben’s shoulder. 

“Thank you,” Ben said, feeling as if a huge weight had been lifted from his chest. 

“Of course,” Caleb said, turning around at the door. “I’ll be back in a while for my next orders, sir.” He saluted and winked and they both laughed as he left. 

Ben turned back to his desk, his smile lingering for a second before he shivered. The tent was colder without Caleb at his back. The list was shorter now though and he was almost able to work up enough hope to think he might get through the whole thing today. Next up: Abe’s letter. 

***

Ben stared down at the map in front of him, sure that the answer would come to him. He’d been running strategies through his mind all night, sure that there was a plan just out of reach that would guarantee their victory. 

He’d tried to take a break earlier to read Abe’s newest letter, sure that Culper Jr. held the key but Abe’s handwriting must have taken a turn for the worst because Ben hadn’t been able to make heads or tails of it. He’d have to ask Caleb if he could make it out in the morning. 

“Ben?” a whispered voice came before Caleb’s face poked through the tent flaps. “Oh fuck.” 

“Caleb! Perfect timing, I need your help,” Ben said, grabbing his friend and pulling him further into the tent. 

“No, Tallboy, you need to sleep. It’s the middle of the night. Almost dawn,” Caleb said softly. His voice was rough and he was whispering. 

“You’re awake.”

“I had to piss. I only came in here because I thought you fell asleep at your desk again and forgot to put out the candle,” Caleb said, with a deep sigh. 

“That doesn’t happen.” 

Caleb opened his mouth to argue but closed it, shaking his head. “Okay. Sit on the cot and tell me what you need me to do,” he said with a yawn. 

Ben rolled his eyes but sat on the cot. He wasn’t tired. He hadn’t been tired in days. “Okay, look at Abe’s letter. Can you make it out?” 

Caleb picked it up off the desk and squinted at it for a minute. He sat next to Ben on the cot and Ben craned his neck but the letters in front of him still made no sense. He felt the ribbon on his braid come undone and then Caleb was running his fingers through Ben’s hair. It felt incredible and Ben let out a deep breath, relaxing into the touch. 

Caleb stood and went next to the candle, still frowning at the letter. “Take off your boots.” 

“Why?” 

Caleb shrugged. “You’ve been wearing them all day. You need to air them out or they’ll stink. No one wants to take orders from a man with stinky boots.” 

Ben rolled his eyes. He knew what Caleb was doing but it wasn’t going to work, because he wasn’t tired. But there was no harm if Caleb was going to keep reading the letter. He took off his boots and because it felt odd to be wearing his jacket without his boots he shed his jacket and waistcoat. 

In the morning he wouldn’t remember laying down or falling asleep, but he would be able to look at Abe’s letter and read every word clear as ever. 

**

The only thing that Ben seemed able to feel those days were exhaustion, guilt, and anger. And at that moment the guilt was burned away by his anger. Caleb was drunk and crying and ruining everything because he couldn’t pull it together. 

“You could have told me,” he ground out before storming away from Caleb. He would have to fix this himself just like everything else. No wonder he was tired. 

Then only Champe showed up at the dock and Ben could already hear Mary yelling at him. They left and Ben held it together the rest of the way back to camp. He was just happy that neither of the other men seemed eager to talk. Ben could learn to appreciate that about Champe. 

It was dawn before he trudged into his tent, exhausted and determined to sleep for a few minutes before he had to report to Washington the bad news. There only seemed to be bad news these days. 

He shrugged out of his civilian jacket and was about to toss it onto his desk chair when he saw a note that hadn’t been there when he’d left earlier. 

I’m sorry. 

Lt. Brewster

Ben felt emotion bubble up in him but he didn’t know what it was. Maybe it was the guilt he’d ignored earlier, all he knew was that it made tears burn his eyes. He took off his boots and laid down with the note clutched to his chest. 

When he woke two hours later it was to a damp pillow and ink smeared across his palm.